In general I think that I am a pretty good person! I think that I put 150% into my friendships. I try to help everyone as much as I can, and be there WHENEVER I am needed. I know that just like everyone in the world, I can be a bitch, I know the things that tend to make me that way and TRY to steer away from them. I know that in the past (esp. college) I was not the person I wanted to be. I'm not going to say I regret that person, because it has made me who I am today, but I am going to say that I lost out on several opportunities and great friendships that I could have had. I'm going to say that I was very unsure of who I was, who I wanted to be, and life in general. I know that I made a fool of my self and made a LOT of people very uncomfortable, for this I can not tell you all how sorry I am. I know that I made stupid, irresponsible, and inconsiderate decisions. I will never be able to take my actions back, and I can guarantee you I will never forget how they made me and the people around me feel! That is a PROMISE!
With this being said, I have over the years taken a look at my life and been very selective with who I COMPLETELY open up to. I am always nice, polite, and generous with everyone, but I hide a lot of me to protect my heart, and the scars from my past behaviors. I am almost always a more reserved person than I would like to be, but I am just not comfortable enough to let go of my heart. I do not have the confidence that I want to have to overcome hurt and disappointment. I do not feel confident enough with who I am to show my true colors and let my guard down.
When I do, it is a very special bond that that person and I have! That person for lack of better words has "earned" my complete confidence. There are only a hand full of people that know the true me. These people are people that I would trust to raise my children, these people are people that I know I can tell ANYTHING to and have no ill feelings. Those people are people that I would give my life to help and protect them.
At this moment in time I am very confused, almost hurt. I don't know what to say, or who to talk to about my issue, but I am extremely sad. I'm not sure what I have done, or not done, I not sure what is going on, I am just completely confused and lost. I'm not sure where to go from here. I am just so glad that I am in a new city, where I can make new friends, and have new experiences.
I am not going to give up on anything, however I am not going to be reaching out like before. I will be here when needed and continue to do whatever I can to help, but only when called upon. I wish that I could be a bigger person, but I just can't get my mind to let me do it. I just can't let it go at this point, yes in time I will, but it will be a while!
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