I feel like Im starting that accelerated downfall after the 3 month climb to the top. The last 2.5 to 3 months have been very good to the Warren household. We started with Brad getting an AMAZING new job in mid september. We were lucky enough to find a house that was close to his work, in a great section of town and move in 3 weeks later about a month before we had planned, a huge blessing considering we were living 150 miles apart. We were lucky enough to not have to move our stuff alone and had a moving company move and pack all of our stuff, nerve racking but great all at the same time. Brad and my relationship has been so much easier since we have been here, so much less stressed! I feel like we are finally where we are supposed to be! Life has been good!
Then I had surgery on December 2nd and I was looking down that steep fall! I was so lucky to have my mother in law keep the kids for several days and then come help take care of me! I can't tell you how much that meant to me, I missed my kids, but KNEW I was not going to be able to take care of them yet by myself. Tammie helped in so many ways, making meals, bathing the kids, playing and keeping them occupied, getting me food,meds and ice, and other menial tasks (this is not to sound degrading, it just by definition fits so many things I talk about, housework, mothering etc). Sadly though she had to leave! And the actual turn downward began.
I am so lucky to have a great hubby, he loves the kids and works so hard to provide for us. He works hard and comes home and works even harder. The last week has been very trying on my patience, just because I am crabby and set in my ways. Although Brad has been great and done so much, I like things done in my time and my way. I get anxious when the floor is not vacuumed as often as I see fit, and if there are dishes in the sink. I can deal with a messy house as long as those two things are done, but if they are not done the way I do it, then I flip out! I try to keep my mouth shut so that I'm not complaining and make him feel like hes not doing a good enough job, because he is!
With this flip out comes bitterness, anger, guilt. and frustration. I have had a really hard time emotionally with the fact that I can't do anything, I get frustrated that I can't take care of the kids the way I need and want to during the day, and that I can't carry things from one room to another or at all. The guilt that I feel about being able to take care of my kids and do the work that is my responsibility has overwhelmed me. I'm apprehensive about telling Brad what needs to be done, because I know that he is tired and is doing more than his fair share, but I feel like so much is not getting done, and I can not crawl around on my knees and vacuum the whole house, or stand on my foot to put up the dishes. I know his priorities are different than mine, he gets antsy when there are toys all over the floor, or the trash is stuffed in the trashcan too full, or there are coke cans left on my night table.
I understand he is under just as much stress as I am, I understand that he is trying to make sure that everything is getting done and he just like myself just physically can't do it all. He is worried about me and my healing correctly and quickly. He is worried about the kids being taken care of and loved and played with. He is worried about having to do the grocery shopping, driving me around for atleast the next 4 weeks as well as everything else! I know I need to give him a break because he is doing a fabulous job, but im so tired of having to rely on everyone else! I wish I could just do that jeanie thing and nod my head and it would all be over so that we could get back to normal. I just want to be able to take care of my family and go back to our normal routine! I just want my sanity back! I don't want to be so stressed that every word we say to each other is snippy and spiteful meaning it or not. I don't want to dread the return from work because I know the stress is overwhelming on both our parts. I want to rely on me and only me! I want to be able to get back to the normal. I want to smile and not bitch anymore, and with that I am calling this quits, enough for one day, actually for a lifetime, bt i'm done with this!
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